Watching the Redskins win on Sunday felt good. You know what felt even better? Talking trash to Ravens fans on Monday. Gloating is one of the best parts of being a sports fan. There is an undeniably uplifting feeling that accompanies making your adversaries relive the agony of defeat.
However, as D.C. sports fans, few of us have been in a position to gloat too often in our lifetimes. So, I think it's important to lay out a set of ground rules on gloating that will not only help you put down opposing teams, but also help you avoid eating knuckle sandwiches in the parking lot after the game. Use this field guide well, readers.
There’s nothing worse than making a hilarious insult towards a player on an opposing fans favorite team and then finding out that you’re wrong about what you said. It’s embarrassing and sloppy as far as I’m concerned. If you’re going to throw out a stat about how a certain player is inclined to drop a ball, or maybe a funny quote about what another bone-headed player said, you better be sure that it’s right. In the age when everyone and their sister has an iPhone, it’s not too hard to Google the information. Don’t be sloppy, double-check your sources.
2. Try to use big words and confusing phrases
Using words and phrases like “it’s inevitable he’ll miss five free-throws,” “he really hinders his team’s ability to win,” and “this player's idiosyncrasies counteract his aspirations to be well liked on the team” confuse and anger those fans less intelligent than you. Plus, if they don’t understand your insult, how are they going to retort? You win!
3. Keep quiet when your team loses
There’s a time to gloat and trash talk, and there’s a time not to. When your favorite team ends up on the losing side, it’s definitely time to keep your mouth shut. If someone tries this on you, I’m a big fan of the “take a gander at the scoreboard” response.
4. Athletes committing crimes are totally fair game for trash-talk.
My favorite jest this year came from a reader just one week after the Steelers decided to re-sign Plaxico Burress. The reader wrote “Plax got another shot from the Steelers this week, hopefully this time it doesn't go through his leg.” This was just a wonderfully executed chirp. Well done sir, well done.
5. While crimes are fair game, moms are not
Come on guys, show some class. Moms are a no go.
Images courtesy of Google Images